On a trip to Whistler this weekend, I was surprised that there were an army of people, dressed in blue jackets, who were well equipped with everything they needed to help direct the thousands of athletes and skiers. They were only missing one thing: Fucking brains!
The whole village was asunder in the paralympic games, roads blocked off, sidewalks fenced off, lots half full of vanoc SUVs.
To get around the town, understandably, would be difficult. I expected this. What I didn't expect was a sea of retards with radios and toques that smiled and waved relentlessly, but who had no idea how to direct people around the diversions.
"Are you skiing today?", one gormless twit asked, as we trundled along from one set of bad directions to the next, dressed in ski pants, boots and carrying skis and poles. "No, I came to a ski resort, with fucking skis, to play tennis." WTF?
One of these half witted smurf twats had the misfortune of blaming the disorganization on the fact that it was the first day of the paralympics.
Come on, people. These games have been in the planning stages for seven fucking years! That's more time than it takes to complete two university degrees in hospitality management. And I don't make the comparison lightly. And need I mention the fact that there was another, like, rather large event held on this very ground, only two short weeks ago?
I know I must sound like a complete dick but these blue suited agents of misinformation were uncompromising and tenacious in their expedition to enrage even the most stoic of weary visitors. Everywhere I looked, a dumbass in a blue jacket was there, with a deer in the headlights expression and a radio they clearly did not want or know how to use.
Get a clue, vanoc. Thank goodness they were all volunteers because I don't know who would want to pay these twits for their time. Seriously.
2. Overpriced organic vegetables.
If a company is spraying chemicals all over the vegetables that they are growing, wouldn't those chemicals cost, like, a lot of money? I mean, if I had to pay extra, wouldn't it make sense that I should have the cost of all these exotic chemicals passed down to me? Let me get this straight. I am getting less product, ie; chemicals, but I have to pay more?
So, it costs more to be healthy? Wouldn't the government, in all their infinite cost saving wisdom, want to subsidize the industry that offered a more healthy product? After all, in this country, we have socialized health care and the humans that ingested rat poison for their whole lives would probably end up needing more medical services. No?
Think about it.
3. People who drive cars but are a danger to others because they are too stupid or selfish to do so in a safe and courteous manner.
The world is full of stupid people and God knows, they all seem to be driving on the dangerous and often infuriating streets of Vancity.
Cars drift in and out of marked lanes like a junkie on the nod. Signals are only visible when hazard lights are flashing to denote that someone has left their vehicle in someone else's way. Parallel parking is a blood sport for some, taking a full three rounds and the wrath of twenty drivers just to get a fucking Honda civic into a spot large enough for a sherman tank on steroids. If they put down the phone for long enough to actually concentrate on the task of operating a motor vehicle, they may get that car into a spot before they starve to death.
Recently, a law came into effect that effectively bans cell phone use while driving. I thought this would have some kind of effect on the shit driving. Now I guess people are hand writing messages while driving. The way people drive around here, they should pass a law effectively banning driving. Assholes.
4. Bad music in public places.
Every time I go into a store, mall, elevator, bar, workplace, your place, I am severely put off by the shit music/muzak that I am forced to endure. I mean, isn't it just as easy to put good music on the player? Does bad music weigh less? Is it always high up on the shelf, too high to reach? Does bad music have a dulling effect on the masses? Did they test this theory on P.O.W.s or something? "Look Vu, when we play elevator version of Beatles song, remixed by Chris Sheppard, and remixed by Nickelback, prisoner stop fighting and cry self to sleep."
It has the exact opposite effect on me. It turns me into a holy terror, visualizing brutality that I can't even put into words here, fearing hate thought repercussions.
If it is new clothes I want, I must psyche myself up to endure the barrage of loud, shitty, poppy, electronic, bubblegum tripe that I guess is supposed to go hand in hand with buying a pair of fucking jeans. I wanna grab the pimple faced prick behind the counter and rap him on the ears, for damaging my ears.
If it is food I want, then I prepare to spend a half hour wandering through the aisles, listening to Rod Stewart or Celine Dion or some other suicide inspiring muzakal legend that I have already had to be subjected to due to the fine taste of others.
If i go to drink a beer in a pub or bar, I will, undoubtedly be subjected to some angry creep that is in his thirties but still uses his parents' divorce and the suburbs as inspiration for crap words laid down between even crappier guitar solos.
And if I have the misfortune of taking an elevator? Well, there was an entire genre of music created especially for that.
Crime- destroying music. Judgement-guilty. Punishable by death.
Nope. Too easy. Like shooting fish in a barrel.